The world of blogging may not be quite ready to merge with the world of Josh. I didn't capitalize "world" when referring to the world of Josh...simply because it doesn't really exist. I find your doubt of my grammatical abilities slightly disturbing...but needed.
To continue on in the thoughts of my past, starting something in type (blog, email, ransom note, etc.) has always been my least favorite part of the process. I usually make up random titles or subjects (or just draw a penis on the top of the ransom note) to avoid the awkwardness I feel when trying to simplify what I will be talking about for the next five minutes of your life into one line. Today is not one of those days....if that disturbs you, die now.
Someone asked me recently, "Hey Josh what are the chances you're not going to say anything offensive today?" Figuring the probability of such an abstract idea is nearly impossible. The chances of someone saying something to offend me are 3-4% but i'm not easily offended, so to say that's a normal number would be a lie. In general...most people will be offended by one of 5 things: abortion, stereotypes, direct personal insult, a random fact (made up on the spot with the one intention of angering said person), or being molested. I don't molest as much as I should...it really is a good way to get under one's....well you know what I mean (I was going to say skin, but 'panties' also fits).
Instead of sitting down and wasting my time crunching numbers I quickly spouted out 17%. This shocked the gentleman asking me because that would mean I could go almost one out of five days without being excessively rude to another human being. I saw the look of excitement in his eyes and screamed "HALT"!! I couldn't allow him to think I truly meant this number in the way he thought I did so I explained my reasoning to him in the simplest way I could. The way I see it...with the unpaid security guards and trained hornets that I use to protect my Unicorns...there is a 34% chance someone could get onto my farm and remove the aforementioned magical creatures from my land. If this happened, to be perfectly honest, I would snap! I would most likely receive the news via text message, and to be honest that pisses me off as well. I have 3 fucking UNICORNS living in a barn in East Georgia and I can't have ONE PERSON with a helicopter offer to be my message delivery stripper? Just in case I lost you for a second...I think it would be fantastic to have a stripper with the message painted across her breasts who also knew how to fly a helicopter deliver any news about the majestic creatures living in the stable near my house.
If someone steals one of my Unicorns, there is no chance of a civil exit from the building...I will literally set everyone ablaze on my way to the chopper. I hope the stripper also brings me a flame thrower...but that seems slightly silly in the grand scheme of things. I do understand, however, that the Canadian University of Majestic Animals Trying to Maintain Employment are also on my tail. I stole the Unicorns from CUMATME about six years ago and I know it's only a matter of time before they find me. If there were to be a security breach at the horse trailer in the Wal-Mart parking lot where I keep the Unicorns...I can safely assume there is a 50/50 chance it was CUMATME and not just a random Unicorn poacher. If I knew the Unicorns would be in safe hands, it would depress me to the point that I wouldn't be able to speak...much less speak poorly of others. So in the end there is a 17% chance that I could be lunged into a deep depression forcing me to slow my role and allow everyone around me to live happily for a 10-12 hour period of grief.
At this point in the one sided conversation, about 20 people had turned around to hear my explanation. They started to look back and forth at each other as if to say "I'm too stupid to understand unquestionable logic", until one of them spoke up. "Why would you be depressed if you knew the Unicorns were in safe hands...just because they weren't yours anymore?" I really didn't think I had to explain that part.
The stripper that I hired mid-story...remember her? Well it would be irresponsible for me to pay her a yearly salary just on the off chance that she will need to deliver a message to me about the Unicorns living in the small fenced in vacant lot behind my neighbor's house. Since Unicorns don't technically exist, there are no laws on the books prohibiting sexual acts between a woman and a Unicorn. This is a HUGE loophole that not many people in the porn industry have thought to take advantage of. What I do is, I send the stripper (she doesn't have a name by the way, it's easier to pay her cash under the table and stay under Uncle Herman's radar that way) and one of my Unicorns out to bachelor parties, frat parties, even a couple Burger Kings have requested their presence (they paid me in double cheeseburgers). They do...well if you can't imagine a naked chick banging a mythical creature then you are probably in the wrong place anyway. I will say though, if you're planning to get into the business...file down the horn a little bit, we lost the first three girls before we thought of that. Anyway, we record the erotically distasteful acts, bottle the Unicorn jizz (it's what makes a vampire sparkle), collect the cash and hit the road.
You may think there probably isn't a huge market for porn involving imaginary creatures, but it has provided me with enough money to keep my half-albino zebra in the basement below Clucky's Chicken Strips & Shit.
